Filed under: Training Runs | Tags: long run, moving, nerves, off day, running, slow, struggle, Team
I’ll take a brief break from packing to talk about tonight’s run. It ended up being four miles instead of five, and it was brutal. I don’t know why – I’ve certainly run in hotter weather than this – but the sun, the humidity, and maybe the tunafish wrap I had a half hour earlier conspired to turn me into Sir Leadweight today. I reached the finishing point exhausted, dehydrated, and annoyed that not all runs could be like Tuesday’s run.
My last run with the Team is on Saturday: eight miles. Enter nerves again, especially after today, especially if it’s hot. The good news, though, is that I’ll be running my 9-miler with one of my best friends in the world, who will be visiting my new city the first week I’m in town.
My writing tonight is dull, and I’m sorry for it. I’m mentally and physically exhausted, and my apartment, which should be all packed and ready for the movers, is not even close. It’ll be a late night.
Filed under: Inspiration, LLS | Tags: fight, healing, Inspiration, LLS, marathon
I’ve just signed on the with Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, in an effort to raise money for cancer research. I have a website – click – where you can go and donate to your heart’s content. Since there’s nine months ’til the Pig, I figure we have a decent amount of time to contribute a nice chunk of change for this cause. Blood cancers have plagued my mother, grandmother, and some good friends, so I’m hopeful that I can help them out in some way. So, now there are three goals: run a marathon, heal the heart, and help beat cancer.
Every dollar helps.
Filed under: Inspiration, Training Runs | Tags: dreams, endorphins, good day, healing, Inspiration, running, sadness, struggle, Team
I can feel the endorphins fading as the dusk comes in, so I’d better hurry up and write about this before I start getting mopey again. Today was the first of my five mile short runs. The weather wasn’t bad: warm with a slight breeze, sunny but not brazenly so. The team started off as usual, and I ran as usual. I don’t think I did anything different.
But as I settled into my stride, I began to feel something strange. Something that came bubbling up from a warm place in my heart, a rush of –
Everyday I wake up and drag myself back from the dreams. I have come to expect the sadness and helplessness, dragging at me in waves over the course of the day. Even during the better times, when I’m distracted by something, or doing an enjoyable activity, it’s been there. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, says a small voice, always there, always unfair.
- and I didn’t recognize it at first. It’s been so long. But there it was, unexpectedly, a gift from God, and I felt Him with me suddenly, inside, outside, in the rays of the setting sun that flashed out from behind the trees and glowed against my eyelids. Joy. Joy. And I wanted to shout, to laugh out loud, to sing, to praise, and of course I didn’t do any of those things because I was surrounded by a hundred Team members, so instead I let it carry me, let it well up in my heart and coarse through my arms and legs, and I ran that whole five miles smiling and laughing inside.
I tried to keep it with me. It lasted for a little while, but I have to admit that it’s going away with the day. And the sad small voice is still there, saying what it’s saying. But maybe if I felt it tonight, I can feel it again. Maybe I’m doing the right thing. I’m searching. I’m seeking. I’m running. I’m hoping.
Filed under: Dealing, Speedwork | Tags: healing, moving, running, sadness, slow, Speedwork, struggle, Team
…asked a friend from the Team. He was referring to my somewhat pathetic 800m PR. Tonight was my second speed workout. I ran the 400s much slower than last week, but managed to shave seven seconds off the 800. That brings it down to a very penguin-y 341 seconds. I’m starting to realize that I have pretty crappy endurance. This shouldn’t surprise me, as endurance tends to be a weakness in my instrumental playing, as well (yes, I’m a musician, but we’re not getting anymore specific than that). Yes, I can run for a long time, but I cannot, cannot run fast. I really want to, though!
After the run, we stuck around the park, talking and eating pizza and swatting away bugs. The pizza was an enormous relief, as I really wasn’t in the mood to cook tonight. Honestly, I’m not in the mood to do much of anything. I have a mountain of packing to do, and I have to plan the three-day solo drive to my new city. I’m procrastinating like mad and the fact that nothing was supposed to end up this way isn’t helping much.
I wish so badly that I could call you-know-who and tell him everything. You know, the details of my everyday life, things I need to do, will be doing, my general thoughts on things I saw, funny anecdotes, commentary on the news, musings on life and God. It’s a terrible loss. Running helps; it distracts, it bumps my concentration somewhere else, and it’s a good timeline: run the Pig, and when you do, nine months will have passed. And who knows what will happen in nine months?
But running takes up maybe ten percent of each long, long week. I know the deal: keep busy, think about other things, pray, etcetera. The pain will end, they say. You’ll get through it, they say. You’re strong, they say. That last one, now – that last one, I just don’t understand. I wish I were strong. I wish I were.
You’ve had them. The dreams where everything has worked out. You’re back together, all your problems are solved, you’re holding hands, you’re smiling. Then you open your eyes, and he’s gone.
