Filed under: Inspiration, Training Runs | Tags: dreams, endorphins, good day, healing, Inspiration, running, sadness, struggle, Team
I can feel the endorphins fading as the dusk comes in, so I’d better hurry up and write about this before I start getting mopey again. Today was the first of my five mile short runs. The weather wasn’t bad: warm with a slight breeze, sunny but not brazenly so. The team started off as usual, and I ran as usual. I don’t think I did anything different.
But as I settled into my stride, I began to feel something strange. Something that came bubbling up from a warm place in my heart, a rush of –
Everyday I wake up and drag myself back from the dreams. I have come to expect the sadness and helplessness, dragging at me in waves over the course of the day. Even during the better times, when I’m distracted by something, or doing an enjoyable activity, it’s been there. He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone, says a small voice, always there, always unfair.
- and I didn’t recognize it at first. It’s been so long. But there it was, unexpectedly, a gift from God, and I felt Him with me suddenly, inside, outside, in the rays of the setting sun that flashed out from behind the trees and glowed against my eyelids. Joy. Joy. And I wanted to shout, to laugh out loud, to sing, to praise, and of course I didn’t do any of those things because I was surrounded by a hundred Team members, so instead I let it carry me, let it well up in my heart and coarse through my arms and legs, and I ran that whole five miles smiling and laughing inside.
I tried to keep it with me. It lasted for a little while, but I have to admit that it’s going away with the day. And the sad small voice is still there, saying what it’s saying. But maybe if I felt it tonight, I can feel it again. Maybe I’m doing the right thing. I’m searching. I’m seeking. I’m running. I’m hoping.
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Maybe this is not very healthy of me but I’m reading this and wondering why I don’t feel like that. I’m so angry. I kind of think about him when I run. I think about “pushing” through the pain and sadness. I hope to go to that happy zen place soon. Running helps me too but in a different way. The feelings fuel my sadness. It’s like I don’t explode during the day or fall apart because I will get to run in the morning. Just run.
Comment by Lola July 22, 2010 @ 7:27 amDear Lola,
It’s ok not to feel like that. You were hurt and right now you are going to feel things whether you want to or not, and it’s terrible and sad and that’s ok. Keep in mind that I wrote this entry more than a month after my own break-up. It was still difficult then and continued to be for a very long time after, but your break-up was very recent and maybe you’re just not ready to have those feelings of joy yet. They will come, and for a long time they will be interspersed with the sadness, like little dots of light, and there will be pain even in the joy. But be easy on yourself…and yes. Just run. Just like you’re going to get through that next mile, you will get through this.
Comment by runningthroughheartbreak July 22, 2010 @ 12:44 pm