Filed under: Dealing, Inspiration, Rest Days, The Race | Tags: days off, healing, marathon, running, struggle
I haven’t done any running. It was a relief for a while, and I’m still enjoying the time off, though I think it’s time to get back out there. I saw a few runners going along the Charles yesterday, and I felt a little itch.
Besides, I’ve officially signed up for the Philadelphia Marathon. It’s seven months away.
I guess it’s time to attack The Question, though. I started this blog a little over nine months ago, when I could barely see myself each day for the sadness and brokenness in my heart. The marathon was a goal, something to strive for, a path through the valley. Something that would make me strong. A goal to help me find me again.
I’m afraid to write this. Deep breath – type. Have I healed?
You can’t know this, but I just sat here for a few minutes, trying to decide what to type and how to type it. Because, you know, I would love to write a resounding, beautiful, uplifting paragraph, something that will raise up my readers in a shout of congratulatory glee, a big, loud, shining YES!
But I must give you the honesty you deserve, as loyal readers and friends who have followed my journey. The answer is no – at least, not entirely.
Hear me out, though. Let me tell you what training for a marathon does. Let me tell you about discovering the strength within myself and, even more importantly, the strength beyond myself. Let me tell you about a new steel and softness that I feel within me. It is as if my path to the marathon were lined with fruit trees, and as I ran I picked their fruit and tasted their fresh newness. Joy, strength, courage. Yes, I have courage now, and I do not think it wrong to assert this.
I still have battles to fight. I still have walls to break down. The journey to healing is not over. But now – now I have the tools I need. So in a sense, I suppose I am healed: I’m my own person again, and I think I always was; running just helped me discover that. But I’m a stronger person now. I’m more at peace with the present now. I know I have what it takes to keep going. I’m a marathoner.
What Now?
I have seven months to train for the Philadelphia Marathon, and this time I’ll have people to train with. My friends S and A will be making Philly their first marathon, and I’m very excited to “mentor” them. The real training won’t begin until late July, so there will be time for them to build their base mileage – and time for me to relax a little! I’ll still be running, but I’ll just be concentrating on maintaining my own base. I might do a couple of small races. There’s a nice little series along the Charles River this summer, mostly five-milers. Perhaps I can even get a little faster!
I was planning on closing this blog after the Marathon was complete, but so many people have been reading it that I may keep it open. Besides, I have had a little idea brewing for the past week. I’ve been thinking of starting a small, informal running club. Not everyone who goes through heartbreak has as strong a support group as I; perhaps I can provide it for them. It’s just a wisp of an idea, and nothing may come of it. But check back here every once in a while. Especially if you live in Boston.
It grows late, though. I have a lot to do tonight, especially since I’m getting up early tomorrow. I’m going running with J, just a little three-miler, slow and leisurely, before breakfast. I can’t wait to feel the road under my feet again, hear the quiet padding of my sneakers on the pavement, feel the soft spring breeze, like a sigh, against my cheeks.
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No updates since May? How are things going?
Comment by Todd September 8, 2010 @ 2:50 pm